Longing for love
Several of my failed relationships, in a way, contributed to my depression. Most of the relationships left me questioning myself, a lot, and thinking there was something wrong with me. My first serious relationship took me a few years and lots of soul searching to get past. I was very unaware of my own state of mind and how I was treating them but it went both ways. A couple of girls I had relationships with are very beautiful people, both physically and intellectually, and I am glad to be friends with them to this day.
After several years of having my heart and emotions all over the place, eventually mixed with depression, I no longer think very romantically. I apologise to my wife a couple of times a year about not thinking romantically and doing romantic things for her. What used to be easy for me is now a struggle but because she is an amazing woman she always responds with: ‘I know that you love me and do things for me in your own special way’.
People say and do things to suit their situation at that particular point in their lives, there is no point regretting what was said or done, all you can do is try to learn from your mistakes and experiences to make better choices next time. I have wasted a lot of time over the years being around toxic people when I should have been more concerned about looking after my own health. There comes a point in a relationship or friendship where you have to say to yourself: “I need to look after me”.
Always wanting more
After finishing college in 1997 and struggling to find work I went to TAFE in 1998 to do the Police Recruitment Preparation Course with the intention of getting into the Tasmania Police Service but I didn’t push hard enough with the selection process to get accepted.
Working with dad then led to me getting a job at the Caltex Service Station in Moonah. It was a truck stop and I spent three years working there. I still consider it to be a fantastic job, I met some great people who I am still good friends with today.
The only major incidents that happened while working there was being abused twice by customers who thought I was someone else; and the tap breaking off the big gas bottle out the back which resulted in gas pouring into the atmosphere. We called the Fire Service and shut the site and the road down until it was all cleared up; something exciting to fill in a quiet weekend shift.
Although I was enjoying the job, I wanted more so I went to the Maritime College in Launceston at the start of 2001. I started off doing a Certificate III in Maritime Operations- Deck Officer, but changed to Certificate III in Fishing Operations because on the first day our instructor told us less than half of us would end up getting a job at sea.
After completing the Fishing Operations course I went back home and made my way down to the wharf one night; while there I was looking at a fishing trawler docked alongside and I thought to myself: ‘There was no way I could ever be a fisherman’. I had been looking at all three of the armed services but couldn’t make up my mind what job I actually wanted to do. I applied for the navy to be a Boatswains Mate and got accepted, it was the quickest way to serving at sea. I was sworn in on the 18th of June 2001.
Choices in life
For the next several years I bounced all over the place from state to state, mostly my choice to move but always looking for something more. I dated a girl who at the time was very career driven. She was actually reluctant to date me at first but my charms eventually won her over.
During our relationship she became pregnant and decided not to continue with the pregnancy. I had just joined a ship and was due to sail when she made the decision. I informed my Chief the morning we were meant to sail and he sent me on a few days leave to be with her when she went through the procedure. I then had to meet the ship down the coast three days later and do my job as if nothing happened. I had people questioning me why all of a sudden I didn’t sail with the ship several days earlier. I knew I didn’t have to answer them but it didn’t help my state of mind.
As far as I am aware I never pressured her either way, I reminded her we both had loving families and the child would never go without anything. I also said it was her body, her choice and I would support her decision either way. I think I initially only told two or three close friends but held it a secret for years out of respect for her. Years later I was at mum’s place on leave and all of a sudden it hit me, I burst into tears and told mum what had happened. For several years I had bottled it up, I avoided processing my part of creating a life then letting it end.
After completing my initial period of enlistment, which was for four years, I moved back to Hobart. It was during this time in 2006 I was held up in an armed robbery while working at a service station one night. Armed Hold Up. I re-joined the navy full time later that year and kept moving around the country but this time I was having a great time doing it. I felt a new lease on life and was thoroughly enjoying all my new experiences.
In June 2006, before joining back up full-time, I flew to Darwin, to do an Op-Relief on an Armidale Class Patrol Boat and returned back to Hobart in July. On the 9th of October 2006 I was officially back in the navy full-time. I remained at Anglesea Barracks doing odd jobs until I moved to Canberra, to a position there. I was only doing office and administration work in the front office of the base which I got tired of very quickly, so I asked to be moved to a sea going position.
I was struggling to find somewhere to live and the navy had me living in hotel rooms for two months. When I finally moved into a rental unit I was only there for a couple of weeks before I was moved to Cairns to join the Fremantle Class Patrol Boat, HMAS Ipswich, where I stayed until we decommissioned it on the 11th of May 2007.
While in Canberra I had a whirlwind relationship with a lovely girl but we ended that in the days before I left for Cairns.
I loved my time in Cairns but after the boat decommissioned I moved to Sydney to join HMAS Parramatta where I met, my now wife, Shayne. I remained in Sydney on HMAS Parramatta until I joined the Armidale Class Patrol Boat crew Ardent Four in March 2008, back up in Cairns.
Chasing the unknown
2009 was the turning point for things going bad. The crew were a great bunch of people but nothing lasts forever. Eventually several crew changed out, the dynamics then changed and there started to be a lot more personality clashes among the crew. With some of the people that left I took it pretty hard, I have always had a longing to be part of a close tight professional crew or team and I didn’t like the change to ours.
I had started to date a girl from Hobart I met over Christmas while on leave; I was also in the process of finding a new place to live in Cairns. I hadn’t stopped to see just how unhappy I was, everything was happening so fast and I just kept running from one thing to the next. I eventually started to feel I was constantly trying to chase something but for the life of me I didn’t know what. Was it happiness, was it love, or was it a sense of belonging? I just kept chasing the unknown until I found whatever it might be.
It never occurred to me I didn’t need the best of everything, I just needed to make the best of what I had. Nothing seemed good enough for me.
My whirlwind life style started to catch up to me and in February 2009 I was sent on 21 days stress leave. I had been constantly on the go bouncing from one thing to the next without taking a break for myself. My mind was nearly always racing, thinking of one thing or another without actually stopping to think to myself I need to stop. Those few weeks off were really good but I didn’t do anything special for myself.
I was referred to a psychologist off base and assigned a rehabilitation worker but I wasn’t interested in talking to a psychologist. I kept saying to myself: ‘I don’t need to see a psych, stuff that’.
I only spoke about some things but I was very selective. My grandmother Charlotte had given me a bookmark when I was younger; it had a duck on it with the words: “Be like a duck… Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like crazy underneath”. I loved that bookmark but never actually gave much thought to it until years later when talking to another psychologist. They told me, and this is from a mental health point of view: “That statement is mentally damaging because it encourages people not to talk”. I took it under advisement, at that point in my life I thought I could work things out better on my own without talking.
I had a brief chat with a navy psychologist at the base one day and he recommended a book to me, Change your thinking- by Sarah Edelman. I bought it but didn’t read it. I was too busy to read.
On my own accord I started to feel energised again, I felt my head was in a better space and got back to work. A couple of weeks later, at the start of April, we sailed on patrol; then on the 16th of April the SIEV 36 incident occurred.
When we returned to Cairns, roughly the end of April, I felt fine and kind of glad I didn’t live with anyone at the time or have any family around who might have expected or pressured me to talk about what happened.
At the end of May I flew over to America to spend time with my sister and her family. While there I was lucky enough to go and see one of my favourite country music artists, Brad Paisley, live in concert. Lisa came with me and it was a brilliant night out, albeit with my sister at a concert with a lot of very gorgeous girls who love country music. There was no chance of me picking up any girls that night.
While in America I received a phone call asking if I would be interested in promotion to Leading Seaman to another Patrol Boat crew? I was keen for the promotion but I was not keen on the new crew. I decided to ask for promotion to a sea position in Perth. I was told it probably wouldn’t be possible but they would ask anyway. To my surprise a position was going to be available and I was told I would be to promoted to Leading Seaman and join my new ship in October that year.
Without giving it much thought I was once again chasing the unknown. Whether it was good for me or not, chasing the unknown actually excited me. I had very little possessions, was single and very carefree.
The cracks are getting bigger
After enjoying two relaxing weeks with my sister and her family, which was my first time to America, I flew back to Cairns. Five days later, on the 20th of June, I was told mum’s next door neighbour had passed away. Dave and Peg Minett were like another set of grandparents and I had had spent many hours over at their house listening to Dave’s stories of his time in the navy.
Dave was the biggest influence on me joining the navy and I hope to be able to tell some of his stories in greater detail in the future.
Two days later I was asked to attend a meeting with two navy Legal Officers at the base in Cairns. During the meeting I was told the Federal Police had contacted them, regarding allegations of me kicking two PII’s (potential illegal immigrant) in the head during the SIEV 36 incident. Initially I had no recollection of what they were talking about but some of their questions triggered a heap of memories flooding back and I broke down crying. I have always had a pretty good memory but I couldn’t believe my mind had blocked so much from the 16th of April. I was questioned over two days and the Legal Officers submitted a revised statement to the Federal Police. The Federal Police accepted the statement and left it for the Coroner to decide if any further action should be taken against me.
The next day my Commanding Officer was kind enough to let me take leave to fly to Hobart and attend the funeral of Dave Minett. I was only home for three days and had to fly back to Cairns on completion of the funeral but I was very grateful for being given the opportunity to attend.
At the funeral I wore my ceremonial uniform and before the ceremony started the President of the Hobart RSL approached me and asked if I would stand out the front of congregation and salute at a certain point of the funeral. I obliged but had no idea just how emotional I actually was. While standing there saluting I had tears pouring down my face, I was shaking like crazy to the point where I could barely hold the salute. I have never been that emotional while attending a funeral, the signs were showing that my mind and body were falling apart but I wasn’t recognising them.
I flew back to Cairns and a week later we sailed for another patrol.
Then in the first week of August I had my stuff packed up for removal to Perth and I drove to Melbourne, Victoria for the promotion course. Every now and then over the first several months after SIEV 36 I found myself fixating on something like a truck or car, it could even be a structure, and I would visualise it exploding. It was like I was in a brief trance then I would see an explosion. I would then just shake my head and tell myself everything was fine and get on with what I was doing. It was another thing I kept to myself for a long time.
Sailing The Unknown 