On the move again
I completed the promotion course and Dad flew to Melbourne to meet me, we then drove across the Nullarbor bound for Perth. I spent the next few weeks on leave and getting my stuff delivered to a friend’s place where I was staying. I then joined HMAS Sirius at the start of November but the ship wasn’t due to sail again until sometime in the New Year so it was a quiet month or so alongside.
I booked a flight to Karratha to spend some time with Dad and his girlfriend for Christmas. We had a great time together, first camping out in Karijini National Park exploring for a few days, then a few days at his place. It was great to finally have some time relaxing again. I went to places I had never been to before and doing some camping and four wheel driving which I hadn’t made time for in years. Before I knew it I was back on a plane to Perth.
On the 25th of January 2010 I flew to Darwin for the Coronial Inquiry into SIEV 36. I had no idea what I was in for and Mum and Nan had flown up from Tasmania to support me. The 26th was reasonably quiet and I caught up with friends for a few drinks.
On the night of the 27th I was sitting in a hotel room with Mum and Nan, already nervous and unsure about the whole situation, when the news across the nation broadcast reports of me kicking PII’s in the head during the rescue. I almost collapsed, I was beside myself and had no idea what to think.
I didn’t sleep at all that night and the next day I received a call from one of the navy Chaplains, he asked how I was and asked me to come down to the court house to have a look and go over some things before I was due to see the Coroner on the 29th.
When I got to the court house the Chaplain met me, had a brief chat then directed me to the navy Legal Officers sitting in a side room. One of the first things they asked, “Do you think you need a lawyer?” I replied “No”. They were happy with my response and went on to tell me the procedure for the next day.
I was still stressing over and over again with a million and one things racing through my head wondering what was going to happen. I was quite content not being any one special or famous and now my name was national and international news. I was barely sleeping, my mind spinning. I kept trying to remember and visualise everything that happened that day, I kept questioning my own mind and my actions, I couldn’t stop from thinking about it all.
On Friday the 29th I got dressed in my white uniform and headed to the court house. When I first got there I was standing outside the courtroom with Mum and Nan when a high ranking naval officer approached me, he asked if I was alright and if I needed anything. He then told me navy was behind me 100 percent and if there was anything at all I needed I just had to ask. His comment was just what I needed to hear because walking through the doors into the courtroom a calming feeling came over me and I said to myself, “I did everything I was supposed to do and I stand by what I did”.
Over forty minutes I was in there answering questions from the Coroner and in the end he was completely satisfied I acted appropriately for the situation and in the way I had been trained; at no point did I make any physical contact with any PII. I also said, “I wear size twelve boots, if I kicked anyone in the head they would know about it”.
I was already a skinny man only weighing about 76 kilos but after those several days in Darwin I dropped to about 69 kilos. I flew back to Perth and could barely eat and drink. It took me quite some time before I started to put weight back on but I tried to get on with life and put everything behind me. For a while though I obsessed over the media attention, I would search the internet for anything and everything to do with the incident and myself. I kept newspaper clippings and photos from online, and even though I had read the articles several times already I would keep reading them, over and over again just trying to process everything.
There have been quite a few times in my life I couldn’t control what I was going through; eventually I learnt the power to challenge my thoughts and better control the way I processed future situations.
I was doing quite well for a while but was becoming lost again. While we were away on the east coast of Australia taking part in war games it was suggested I see a psychologist when we got alongside in Sydney. I went and had a chat with one of the psychologist at the base there but I wasn’t really comfortable talking to him so I didn’t say too much. I went on two weeks leave back home to Hobart where I attended my best mates wedding as the best man. I then flew back to Perth and met the ship back there.
I saw a psychologist a couple of times back in Perth but once again I didn’t actually want to talk to them. I couldn’t accept there was a problem, I just kept avoiding the signs and trying to convince myself I was fine. After some more soul searching, I decided I was fine and told my supervisors I wanted to stay on the ship and not be sent to a shore position. I remained on the ship and had a pretty good time until the start of 2011.
Fatal attraction
Since first arriving in Perth I had a couple of one night stands but no serious relationship. In January 2011 I met a girl who had just moved to Perth and we got along really well. We had a lot of fun Jet skiing, four wheel driving, camping and generally hanging out enjoying each other’s company. Moving at my usual fast pace we soon moved in together with another mate of mine but things quickly didn’t seem right. In my mind I was convinced that living with someone very early on in a relationship would tell you quickly if it was going to last.
In early 2011 I came off HMAS Sirius and was in a shore position at the base. During that time I got really sick and was on and off work for about two months, it turned out to be glandular fever and she had only just gotten over it prior to moving to Perth, apparently it is contagious for quite some time after and it was passed to me. My immune system was now weak as well as my emotions and state of mind.
I started questioning the relationship but also didn’t want to listen to people around me telling me we were no good for each other and that I needed to end the relationship. I knew deep down what I needed to do but I struggled to end it because a female was giving me attention; and good or bad it was attention. Anyone who craves attention for whatever reason is no different, whether you cuddle them, kiss them, they buy you nice things or you’re yelling and screaming at each other, it is attention and you will take it however you can get it.
As the year went on our relationship continued to get worse, I was now the worst I had ever been up to that point. There had been so much going on in my life over the years that I felt my body was now shutting down and I had no idea what to do, I couldn’t think clearly anymore. It was like I was in a constant daze and nothing was making any sense to me.
Run away
While working ashore I went and did an Op-Relief on a Patrol Boat out of Cairns and assisted sailing it around to Darwin. The XO was a friend and he really wanted me on his crew so I organised a posting to join later in the year with the intention for me to conduct the Small Ships Navigation Course in Sydney prior to joining. This was me trying to run away to the unknown again.
I had started stressing about the move and on the day I was supposed to drive to Sydney I went into work and told my Chief I no longer wanted to go on the course or take up the new position on the Patrol Boat, I also said I was going to submit my discharge to leave the navy. For what would be my second time.
The necessary arrangements were made to remove me from the course and cancel my move to Cairns. I remained in the west but was moved to an instructor position for small arms weapons and boat training. I also submitted my discharge to leave the navy mid 2012.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. My mind was all over the place. There might have even been reservation about going back to Patrol Boats; the back of my mind was probably telling me it was a bad idea, who knows. My happiness was only being sustained in very small bursts, my mind and emotions were up and down like a rough sea.
My poor Mum
We dissolved our relationship, or whatever it was, just before Christmas 2011. I flew home to Hobart for Christmas, via an overnight stay with a mate in Melbourne who really helped me, he stacked his fridge full of my favourite foods and we spent most of the night chatting. He was awesome and so considerate but I was that stressed out I could barely eat.
After Christmas in Hobart mum came back to the west with me. We went on a road trip to Monkey Mia but I couldn’t handle it, there was so much stuff going on in my head and the last thing I wanted to be doing was touring and driving long distances. All Mum wanted to do was help me, protect me and take my mind off everything but I couldn’t control my thoughts.
I have always been a homebody, no matter where my stuff is I just retreat back to it. I had now closed up and barely spoke to mum while she was there. I was well and truly a closed book that no one was going to read. A week or so later mum flew back to Hobart stressing about me because I wouldn’t open up or relax.
My now ex still had her stuff in the house, I had moved into the spare room and she was in the main bedroom; life was bloody difficult going through a difficult break up and then still living with each other. Eventually she moved out and I had the house to myself but still felt shit.
It took me quite a while to realise that I had so many supportive family and friends around me, constantly telling me they were there for me no matter what, I was so deep and lost in my own swirling mind that I couldn’t see that. In my mind there was nothing bringing me joy and happiness. I would occasionally drag myself out to the pub or out to dinner but it was a struggle and I would find any excuse to race back home.
My thoughts were dominated by: hopelessness, rejection, failure, not being good enough and then not being good enough for this world. Then those thoughts become habit. I had no energy; I was lazy and uninterested in my normal activities. All I was doing now was lying on the couch watching action movies or doing anything to try and shut my mind off to the world. I eventually moved out and in with a mate but we were now two depressed men living together.
Sailing The Unknown 
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