Navigating Depression- Part 6

This is the last of my Navigating Depression series but it is by far not the end of the many things I have faced while dealing with depression.

Two steps forward, one step back

My journey to try and get better mostly went well but I suffered setbacks; it felt like taking two steps forward one steps back, I felt I would never get ahead.

Apparently once you have suffer depression it can keep coming back, and each time a lot faster, that is, unless you are making positive steps to retrain your mind to cut out the crap and think positively.

I try not to let my mind be on autopilot and go through the motions day after day but it isn’t always easy. Sometimes you can think you are on a good path and everything is fine, but then all of a sudden you find yourself heading down a dark path again.

When surrounded by sad or depressive reminders I end up with tunnel vision and start tuning out to any positives around me. My mood can have devastating consequences, stirring up past memories or circumstances, whether it is relevant to now or not. Some people in similar circumstances may even find, in their mind, that suicide is the only option. IT’S NOT. 

For several years I lived a life where I actually tried to not be happy, because usually as soon as something great happened or I started to feel good that’s when something bad would happen right after, bringing my mood crashing back down again, so I found it easier to be miserable. I would barely laugh, smile or find amusement in anything.

Small things to normal people are massive things to someone suffering depression. A normal person can usually just say, “Ah well shit happens, I can’t believe that happened to me all at once”. They then get on with their life.

To someone suffering depression it is those small things that mount up very quickly and if you don’t have a handle on your triggers and emotions it soon turns into, “Why the fuck is this always happening to me, it never fucking ends, fucking typical this would happen to me, am I ever going to get a break”.

I really used to struggle some days to even get out of bed. I would try to switch my mind off from any negative feelings, or try not to think about what possible bad encounters could lay ahead for me that day. I would try to force myself out of bed with energy and enthusiasm, but it didn’t always work, some days the snooze button got pressed a few times.

Trying to put everything back together

After completing the PTSD course in 2013 I had a terrible time sorting my life out. Somethings were helping but now I had no career direction. Earlier in the year when I was at sea I had put in my notice to discharge from the navy, again. This time I was due to leave the navy in 2014.

For a period of time, the base attempted to run a small unit made up of people broken, for various reasons, to help them with whatever their recovery without too much work pressure. I think it was well intentioned idea to try and keep people occupied and give them something to do, rather than them just sitting around the base somewhere in a corner being neglected. I hated it; I didn’t get on with any of the others there and I felt I didn’t fit in. I despised the menial tasks they found for us to do around the base, and actually felt my state of mind getting worse.

I eventually managed to get released to work for my previous boss on a ship alongside. I was put in charge of certain projects and given certain responsibilities; I now felt a sense of purpose and belonging again. I could do my job on a ship alongside and have my stress levels tested and monitored without actually being at sea.

Eventually the unit was disbanded and alternative/ better ways of managing broken and injured people were found.

I used to run around with so much energy but not anymore. I’m sure getting older is a big part of it as well. The vicious circle is when you become unmotivated and don’t exercise, and when you don’t exercise you start to lose muscle tone and strength, or for others put on weight, then your muscles and joints start to hurt which results in regular aliments and injuries. Then because you start suffering more from injuries you end up less likely exercising.

For someone like me who never used to have an issue with energy and exercising, I ended up dragging myself even further into depression because I mentally punished myself for not completing or achieving simple activities.

For years I would start a hobby or project then talk myself out of it, thinking I wouldn’t be able to do a good enough job of it, so I would quit and try something else, shifting the focus. Around and around the merry go round I went, never finishing anything. It took a lot more years before it sank in what I was doing. I then started to actively focus on one project at a time and see it through to completion as best I could.

I focused on trying to slow down my thoughts while also prioritising what I wanted to do or achieve. As I was doing this I realised I kept focusing on things that didn’t matter, and that I was missing important things right in front of me because I was too distracted by everything I had rattling around in my head.  

Just when I thought I was making progress in my life though, the thought of no financial security was creeping further and further in my mind. I was a new dad, planning a wedding, dealing with PTSD and depression, and now wondering how I was going to help support my family when I left the navy. But as those thoughts were creeping in I was still having the thoughts of, “I don’t care”.

Shayne had no intention of leaving the navy and the jobs I was looking at possibly doing were Police Service, Fire Service or working on boats, the types of job I couldn’t easily do without a proper support network if Shayne was away at sea.  

All these thoughts, unknowns and possibilities just seemed to be driving me insane.

We got married in 2015 and several months later I left the navy for the second time. We had managed to have enough money in savings to pay for the wedding and cover us for nearly twelve months without me having to find a job, so I didn’t actively look for a job. I tried to take time for myself and be a stay at home dad for a little while.

Yep, stay at home parent that sounds like a great idea, in theory. I discovered just how hard it can be and I found a whole new respect for any parent who stays at home every day with young kids. I learnt quickly that I am not they type of person who would be able to cope doing it long term. I had a good routine going but I wanted to get back to a paid job.

Shayne was determined to get back on a ship and do sea time because so far she had been unable to since being promoted in 2012. She joined a ship and was soon off sailing again. If I thought I had been tested and put through enough in my life already I had no idea what was about to hit me looking after a baby with a wife away at sea and no family support close by.

I had been cleared by a psychiatrist, who determined I was fit and healthy to return to fulltime active service, capable of deploying in any environment. This was a massive weight off my shoulders but navy had placed a ban on me from returning to any border protection role for five years.

Being the impatient person I can be sometimes and not wanting to be restricted in any way, I fought the decision, and eventually the navy doctors agreed to lift the ban. I was free to return to sea on any deployment, but I had to wait anyway because Shayne was a on a ship at the time.

After I left the navy and had time to clear my head and work out what I wanted in life, Shayne and I decided the best course of action would be for me to come back to navy fulltime. This was great in theory, and although I had a pretty good record, I now had a mark against my name because I had left twice, had a history of being a “Yoyo”, and had the cloud of depression and PTSD still hanging over my head which made people reluctant to bring me back.

Eventually some people decided to give me another chance and I was brought back to fulltime active service. I will be forever grateful to those people who took a chance on me. Since then, I have tried to do the best job I can so as to not let them down, and prove I was worth the chance.  

Thank you

Thank you to everyone involved in helping me, supporting me, encouraging me, holding me up when I couldn’t do it myself and standing by me no matter how poorly I treated them or how bad things got.

You just never know how much you can change a person’s life for the better by reaching out and communicating. This is my way of reaching out to others and letting you know there is always a light shining out there for you. There is always someone you can talk to.

Thank you to everyone reading my posts so far. For several years now I have been working through, coming to terms with, making sense of most of the issues that led to me suffering depression and PTSD, to the point where I can openly and freely talk about anything I have been through and dealt with without it causing me stress or anxiety.

Best of all it enabled me to create this blog to try and help others, which it seems to be doing considering the incredible positive feedback I have received so far. Thank you, I look forward to writing more posts to help, inspire and entertain.