No direction
Moving into 2012 my life continued to spiral downwards and I was just barely keeping my head up.
There had been a bit of talk about me possibly being promoted to Petty Officer but I just couldn’t find any interest in the prospect. All I saw was more complications, more stress, more responsibility, and basically a desk job I didn’t feel ready for. I felt a need to still be active and if I was stuck behind a desk or doing admin work my life really would fall apart. I constantly made excuses as to why I didn’t want to get promoted. All I could think about were negative reasons, whether they were actually really negative or not, I convinced myself there was nothing positive about me being promoted.
My discharge date from the navy was getting closer but I started to have doubts about leaving. My plan was to travel around Australia working odd jobs as I went along, and eventually make my way back to Hobart. Even though I was excited about travelling Australia I eventually decided to revoke my discharge and stay in the navy. This move did not go over well with the career manager, so in May 2012 it was decided to send me to a ship in Sydney later in the year.
Shayne and I had reconnected a few months earlier and had been trying a long distance relationship and even though I didn’t want to move to Sydney, I thought I might as well so we could live together. A week after the official transfer order came out for me, Shayne was offered promotion to Leading Seaman to a position in Darwin, effective December 2012, which she accepted.
A couple of months later I was told the base was already short of Leading Seaman Boatswains Mates so my transfer to Sydney was cancelled. I was to stay in the west in the instructing position I was already in while Shayne moved to Darwin.
Crash course
In September 2012 I was given seven day’s notice I would be attending the next promotion course held at the base.
While on the course I received conflicting information. Word had gotten back to me that I was going to be offered promotion to Petty Officer on completion of the course. The other bit of information was that I was going to be sent to Darwin for a six month rotation of TSE (Transit Security Element) on completion of the course.
Even though I still wasn’t overly happy, I was still getting small glimpses my life was or could get better; and even though I had not been chasing promotion I was enjoy parts of the course. I was learning new things but on the other hand I was starting to feel completely overwhelmed with the unknowns being thrown up in front of me. No one could give me a straight answer as to what was going to happen to me.
The main drawback with the course was the instructor who had come over from the east. For some reason he decided he was going to have it in for me and attempted to make the course difficult for me. He marked my assessments harder and made me resubmit assessments more than others. I rolled with the punches and kept my head up as best I could but the knockout blow was coming.
When it came time for our final practical assessment the scenario was for us to take charge of a team to achieve an objective. I was one of the first up as team leader and did everything that was required of me. I was confident in my leadership and what I achieved, several people even commented throughout the day saying how well they thought I did.
Later that afternoon we had our individual debriefs and I was first up. I went in full of confidence but was told by the instructor I had failed and would have to redo the assessment. The point he failed me on was the fact I very briefly laughed while dealing with a situation in my scenario. The scenario: I had to deal with a pregnant member was saying her unborn child was talking to her and telling her to do certain things.
This particular scenario had a friend playing the pregnant lady, she was actually pregnant at the time and she is generally a very funny person to be around. I thought I did really well just manage a very brief laugh, then quickly compose myself again, considering she was being a smart arse. Everyone else thought I handled this situation really well, all except the instructor.
When he told me I had failed, I felt gutted. He had made his decision and that was final, he did not want to hear a thing I had to say when I tried to argue my point of view. I walked back outside to a group of smiling faces all keen to hear that I passed. When I said the instructor failed me, someone said, “Well if you failed then we’re fucked”.
I went and spoke to the senior instructor. As soon as I walked in to his office he knew why I was there, he said, “I’m sorry, I was surprised as well but he’s made his decision and I can’t overrule it, you will be reassessed tomorrow morning by a different instructor.”
At that point in time while doing the course I didn’t have my own place, I was still living out of my mates spare bedroom but also house-sitting for another mate who was away for a few months. I had no sense of belonging; I lived in 6 places in 10 years.
Shattered to pieces
I left and made it back to my mate’s place who I was house-sitting for, I then wandered aimlessly around the house for a while, then broke down.
After all that time of not dealing properly with hit after hit, I was finally broken. I collapsed on the floor crying uncontrollably not knowing what to do. My confidence, my character and who I was had just been ripped apart by someone who didn’t know me; and who I believed judged me unfairly. I was thinking, “How can he make a judgement on me like that? How can he make a decision to fail me when he truly has no idea what I am like as a person and what I am capable of?”
I doubt I will ever know his reasons for treating me like that and failing me but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I felt my whole life was now completely crushed and that I had nothing left in me.
I was physically alone and had no idea who or where to turn to. I wanted to yell and scream but couldn’t, all I could manage was a barely audible squeak, “why?” as my clenched fists repeatedly hit the floor. I kept saying to myself, “Why was this happening to me, what was wrong with me?”; “What have I done to deserve this shit?”
I had loving family and friends all over the world but I had no idea who to call. I didn’t want to call my family because they were too far away and I didn’t want to worry them. Here I was broken but still thinking about other people and how much I would be putting them out if they had to come and help sort my sorry arse. I picked up the phone a couple of times, holding it in my hands with tears dripping all over it, but I would just stare at it then put it back down again. Eventually I called my boss, when he answered I was a blubbering mess, barely able to talk. He was brilliant with me, within seconds of realising something was wrong he kept a cool, calm level head through the whole conversation.
He had taken over as my boss earlier in the year; we got along really well and to this day he is still a great mate and one of my mentors. We had a good chat for a while and he asked if I was suicidal? I said of course not, even though I had briefly thought about it. He asked if I wanted him to come over but I said I would be fine. I still didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.
Going back a couple of years, when I was seeing a psychologist in Cairns we had discussed suicidal thoughts then but I actually hadn’t had any since that time in the garage as a teenager, he said to me, “You’re the type of person that would never commit suicide, you’re too strong willed”. Bold statement but so far he’s right.
I had a very long and restless night that night. The next morning I redid the practical assessment away from the other instructor, even though I still recall seeing him standing off to the side with a smug look on his face.
I passed my assessment then spent the next several hours with the senior psychologist on base. Two things came together during that session; firstly I was ready to talk, I knew I was broken and needed help; and secondly, she was fantastic, she was so down to earth and easy to talk to, it was the first time I really felt comfortable talking to a psychologist.
Diary entry: Wednesday 24th October 2012: I hate being alone every night. Feel like I’m always there for everyone else. For nearly every major event in my life I felt as though I went through it alone. I feel like I push people away when I need them the most. At the moment all I want is a hug and I fucking hate feeling like this.
There became a long running joke between myself and the psychologist. I’m a big John Williamson fan, I have been listening to him my whole life and his music is my go to for lots of situations, but in my first session or so with the psychologist she asked me about music and I told her about listening to John, she laughed and said, “No wonder you have issues”. She wasn’t a John Williamson or Country music fan at all. I guess that’s why we got along so well, she wasn’t serious all the time and didn’t hold back what she thought. She also teased me about wanting to buy land down in Tasmania, she said, “That would be right, go and live out in the bush with all the Vietnam Vets down there”. She did actually encourage the idea of me buying land in Tasmania.
I still haven’t bought any land yet.
Miserable people focus on the things they hate about their life. Happy people focus on the things they love about their life. Unknown.
Easier said than done but it is only a mindset that I have slowly overcome. I tried to work out the negatives in my life and replace them with the positives. It’s not easy but it’s possible and no one could change my life but me.
Sailing The Unknown 