Being a parent in the navy

Life at sea isn’t easy and we men usually take it for granted.

Within the first twelve months of our son Harrison being born, Shayne was working on her fitness so she could get back to sea to prove she could still serve the navy in any capacity.

I certainly wasn’t prepared for being a new dad and husband with a wife going to sea, all in a short space of time.

Before I knew it I was mostly home alone dealing with Harrison as a baby through into his toddler years while Shayne was sailing around the oceans.

I had always entertained the idea of being a dad but nothing prepared me for it, especially initially on my own while trying to get past having depression and PTSD for several years previously.

I established a pretty good routine with Harrison that worked well for most of the time while Shayne was away, but when she first went to sea they were weekly running. They would sail Monday morning and return on Friday, and for the most part Shayne would be home for the weekend before sailing again Monday morning. This screwed with our home routine and a baby has no idea how to process having his mum coming and going for a week at a time. This spanned over several months before the ship eventually sailed for a six month deployment.

Then it was back in to our routine. It was by no means easy, Harrison was never a great sleeper which well and truly drained me when I had to work a full day after dealing with him through the night, or him being up anywhere from 4:30am onwards because he was awake.

A typical day consisted of:

Shower and dressed
Breakfast for Harrison, there was no way I could eat before him
Make sure everything was sorted for both of us then drop him at day care at 6:30am
Spend the day at work, finishing around 4pm
Pick Harrison up, take him to the park or play at home
Cook dinner and feed him
Then bath and bed time for him
After that I would prepare both of our clothes and bags for the next day, followed by a work out at home with our own gym equipment
I would then shower, have my dinner, relax for about an hour then go to bed

Luckily for the most part where I was working had a great routine of two days on, two days off; every second weekend was three days off. I was a shift leading hand, so for the most part I was just on call and arranged for other team members to go in to work as needed, any other time I was able to take Harrison in with me or a friend would look after him for a few hours.

On my days off during the week it allowed me to have decent down time for myself and get housework done.

Although we didn’t have any family living nearby to help us, we did have some close friends who were happy to help. Being the stubborn strong willed person that I am, I hated asking for help so I tried to do everything on my own; I don’t advise this. Don’t hesitate to ask people for assistance and take help where you can get it.

Unfortunately on a number of occasions a so called friend would tell me they were going to come over and then never show. What made things worse was when they would tell Harrison they were going to visit then never come. It’s a bloody hard thing having to explain to a child why a person never turned up, with out explanation, when they said they would.

After Shayne had been at sea for a while I was craving company, Harrison also wanted someone else to play with, so when a friend said they would visit then never turn up it made me feel even more lonely and isolated. Not good for me trying to put depression behind me and definitely not a good lesson for Harrison to learn.

I saw a video recently where a parent/ public speaker is addressing a group of school kids. The video was about his autistic son and other kids not wanting to talk to his son, he pleads with people, “Just show up”. It’s a good message, not just for kids who are seen to be different but to anyone.

Two friends in particular were brilliant support while Shayne was away. One friend and I would take it in turns cooking meals for each other and let the kids regularly play together. That extra bit of help and company was invaluable.

My other mate Ned has always been there to help whenever we have needed him, his support and friendship is that of a brother or uncle. After several months of Shayne being away things got really hard when my work routines changed and I had to work all day every day, then having Harrison all weekend without a break was draining me. I called Ned a couple of times to come and look after Harrison because I locked myself in the bedroom crying.

It absolutely breaks your heart when you are looking after a small child, who is only just learning to talk, has no idea how to process his own thoughts and emotions, and you’re standing over him yelling and screaming for him to understand something. You then lock yourself away so you don’t hurt him but then have him banging on your door crying his heart out because he has no idea what he’s done wrong and just wants his dad to cuddle him.

Eventually it got too much for me and I called dad to ask if he could fly over from Tasmania. Luckily he had recently retired and could come and stay for several weeks to help.

Being a sole parent for those few months was a shit experience, I wasn’t prepared for it at all but I believe I came out the other end being a much better father. It gave me a drive to learn and understand how to deal with a young child. I knew if I didn’t learn how to become a better father then I would ruin mine and my sons’ life.

There is no bigger wake up call than realising your child thinks you are always angry.

Drawing Harrison did, apparently of me, when he was in day care.

A child should not be scared of their parent. For the first part of their life they learn most things from us, we need to be patient with them and guide them to be better versions of ourselves. They need us to be calm and level headed to help them understand and regulate their thoughts and emotions.

I had also added pressure on myself by not telling Shayne just how bad I was getting. I was sacrificing my own mental health so she could stay at sea. I knew how much it meant for her to be back at sea and I didn’t want to be the reason for her to come home early.

I know quite a lot of strong independent woman, and I certainly married one. I am always amazed at how much these women endure and just keep going. I have had my issues but Shayne has not only stood by me during all of that, she then went to sea after just becoming a mum for the first time, going away from home on and off for two years.

At sea Shayne had been doing really well holding it all together initially, she would just make sure she was nearly always busy and keeping herself occupied. The first time she broke, and had a cry, was on Mother’s Day. She had been that busy and focused she didn’t realise what day it was until the Commanding Officer walked passed her and said “Happy Mother’s Day Shayne”. It was at that moment it hit her and she had to disappear for a cry. Later in the day several of the crew gave her a card and a cake, she was hurting but appreciated the gesture from the crew.

During those years Shayne was at sea, she achieved so many personal achievements. The ship deployed to Hawaii for the military exercise RIMPAC, while there, Shayne and some other crew members climbed some of the mountains. It was a big deal for Shayne because her knee still caused her pain every now and then from her previous knee surgery.

Shayne has a drive, passion, determination, and dedication to work and family that is getting rarer and rarer in people these days.

Within twelve months of her coming off the ship I went back to sea. This was now the first time I was to go away from Harrison after being the constant parent in his life for four years.

This was my test being away from him for so long but also a massive learning curve for Shayne and Harrison living with each other again. Harrison and I had established a bond that Shayne will never be able to have with him. Whenever Harrison is sick, sad, frightened or hurt the only person he wants is me. Shayne also had to begin doing all the boundary setting with him that I had established over four years.

Although Harrison is a lot better now, for the last couple of years he has made Shayne suffer for leaving him. There have been many times while I am away were we would talk on the phone or FaceTime where Harrison would shut down, completely refuse to do what Shayne asked him, I then say “Come on Harrison eat your breakfast”, “get dressed”, “put your shoes on”, and off he would go and do what I asked.

Just being a parent on any normal day is no walk in the park but add two serving defence parents who take it in turns going away for weeks and months at a time and every day is a huge balancing act of emotions, tempers, patience and love.

Both Shayne and I have had our hearts ripped out that many times from Harrison crying his little heart out begging us to come home, we have lost count but I believe it makes us a stronger, more understanding family.

The true key to holding it all together is communication, and thanks to technology today it makes it that much easier. When Shayne first went to sea after Harrison was born, Skype and FaceTime were still not that great at sea but we did lots of short video recordings, little video messages and sent lots of photos. Harrison loved his special videos from his mum.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Dy75fUd_YM

Today Shayne continues to reinforce just what an incredible woman, wife and mother she is. I am currently working away in Darwin and have been since the start of this year. She is pregnant with our second child, working fulltime organising and dealing with roughly thirty staff on a daily basis; as well as looking after Harrison, a house, a crazy cat, a Husky with throat cancer, and when she has time, maybe look after herself.