For over half my naval career going away and not regularly communicating with my family and friends wasn’t a problem, I enjoyed being away just doing my job.
My parents would only receive an email from me at sea, maybe, once every week or two. For a while they would occasionally call my good mate Russ to find out how I was because he and I would email each other more regularly.
Skype was invented in 2003 and it took a long time before I even tried it, I hated the idea of talking with someone, even family, via a computer. And FaceTime and video calling on messenger was a long way off from being invented.
Eventually I was given a webcam as a present so I could Skype my sister in America. I really didn’t like doing it, and I’m ashamed to admit, I would often keep the cover over the camera and say there was something wrong with it and just talk with the audio only. I eventually became more comfortable with it but it took a long time.
Then Harrison was born, and Shayne went back to sea. Technology was getting heaps better and FaceTime was invented the year before Harrison was born. We now had something that was convenient to access on our phones 24/7. We probably didn’t use it as best we could have though in the begining. We continued to attempt to have normal phone calls but a baby doesn’t understand; it might recognise the parent’s voice on the other end but they don’t know why they can’t touch and feel that parent. They don’t understand why the physical and emotional connection isn’t there.
Shayne would do videos for Harrison and I would show them to him. I still remember playing them and watching him try to grab the phone to touch his mother; then he would cry because she wasn’t physically with us.
When I first went away, that was hard. I had been the constant parent in his life for just over four years, and then I was away for the better part of twelve months. While I was at sea it was hard to communicate with him because we didn’t have the connectivity to do video calls. I could call from the ship phone on rare occasions but he was barely interested because he was so upset about me being away and just wanted to hug me. I would only get a few words out of him before he would take off to do something to distract himself; then any other time he would shut down or cry his little heart out demanding me to come home.
Now he is older and more understanding about me being away, it doesn’t mean he’s happy about it but he is handling it a lot better. We constantly communicate with him and try to prepare him prior to me going away each time.
Being away from your family and a young child can really break your heart and seriously make you question where your priorities lay in life. I struggled a lot trying to work out what I wanted in life. I enjoy my job and I love being at sea but on the other hand I felt I was hurting my son being away for so long. One of my navy mentors said to me just after Harrison was born, “Your child will miss you but they will grow up to understand why you went away, and that you provide them with everything they have”.
Both Shayne and I have tried our best to talk Harrison through his emotions, understand why he feels the way he does and reassure him that he is not alone, we feel the same way.
It was during the first couple of months back at sea I was offered promotion to another sea position but this time based out of Darwin. Shayne and I had a lengthy conversation about it all and we decided we could manage me being away for another eighteen months to two years. It was a good idea in theory, not so much in practise, especially when things go wrong or one of us has had a really bad day or week.
We finally decided to embrace the technology available to us and use it to our advantage. We initially didn’t like Harrison using the iPad very much because if he had it for any more than a few hours he would become aggressive and stop listening to us once we took it off him. His official play time with the iPad is Saturday mornings, where he can pretty much do what he wants on it until the battery goes flat, then he has to play with his toys or go outside and play. This has worked really well and we don’t have any arguments with him any more about it.
There are also a couple of times during the week after school he is allowed to use the iPad for ABC Reading Eggs and Math Seeds, which he loves. Once he’s finished doing an hour or so of learning, it gets put away again without argument.
While I’m away we spend many hours on FaceTime just sitting with each other and having the occasional chat like we would if I was physically there. He does his thing and I do mine. Quite often of a Saturday morning he will cast a cartoon or movie to his TV from the iPad, then set the iPad up somewhere in his play room so I can be there with him while he watches a show or plays with his toys.
While I was away on a course in Sydney one time, Shayne was doing Roller Derby practice and Harrison was playing off to the side doing his own thing. He got Shayne’s phone, called me on FaceTime and sat the phone in a position where I could watch him running around and playing. For over an hour I pretty much babysat my son, watching and talking to him while he did several different activities, from running his own little race, to drawing or colouring in.
We have had arguments, disagreements, laughed and cried together, all over FaceTime. It is amazing being able to parent the way we do via technology. I may not physically be there but I can still calm him down when he’s upset, tell him to brush his teeth, get ready for school, or laugh, joke and sing with him.
Shayne and I agreed early on that we would not stop him from calling me anytime he wants to, he needs to be able to know I am still there for him when he needs me. I am so grateful we made that decision and although at times it can be annoying and quite draining, I know he is much happier being able to talk to me.
Shayne is currently pregnant with our second child and while attempting to adjust an air vent one night she fell to the floor, Harrison quickly asked if she was alright then without hesitation ran off to grab her phone and FaceTime me to tell me she had fallen. She was alright, but we were so proud of the fact he knew he could call me to tell me something had happened.
Since I have been away this year our daily routine usually goes something like this:
Harrison gets up, goes to his mother for a cuddle then showers and gets dressed. He then has breakfast. He gets the iPad and FaceTimes me to chat while he eats. If I am free for long enough I will watch him while he brushes his teeth and gets his hair combed, then we say our goodbyes.
When he gets home from school he will usually FaceTime me so I can listen while he reads his home reader book he got from school. Or lately he has been doing spelling words. Shayne and I will read a word from his list and he will spell it out verbally to us or write it out on paper. This has been fantastic for keeping me in the loop with his schooling but also to help give Shayne a break, and some time to herself.
After he has done his homework we usually hang up to go and do whatever we need to, then he FaceTimes again so I can have dinner with him before going for a shower and getting ready for bed.
The last FaceTime for the night is when Harrison is going to bed and they sit me on the bed to listen while he reads his home reader again, then Shayne reads him a story.
After the baby is born I plan to have a couple of children’s books with me so I can read them to him if Shayne is dealing with the baby.
Being a parent working away is difficult, and there are times when I can’t easily sit on FaceTime for ages just listening and watching what my son is doing but I try to make the most of the time I do get.
I know it makes Harrison’s day better when he can freely talk to me the way he does, and it helps to keep the close bond I have with him.
Sailing The Unknown 